*Written by Guest Blogger* Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C

The holidays are an exciting time, filled with family gatherings, twinkling lights, and an unspoken pressure to be joyful. For anyone navigating the transition to parenthood, whether they are caring for a newborn, hoping for a baby, or grieving a loss, this expectation to be joyful can feel extra heavy. The gap between what this season “should” feel like and what it actually feels like can be incredibly isolating.

Understanding the Unique Holiday Stressors

While the holiday season can intensify existing pressures, the specific challenges can vary depending on where you are in your parenting journey.

New parents face a lot of pressure when it comes to the “first holiday” and making it extra special. Navigating decisions around travel and hosting can feel overwhelming. Then there’s the unsolicited advice about things like how you’re feeding your baby and whether you’re sleep training. Watching everyone else keep up with holiday traditions while you’re just trying to survive the day can also be difficult. Even though you're exhausted, the expectation to make it the best first holiday adds profound pressure.

If you’re navigating infertility, you might dread family gatherings because you anticipate being asked personal questions like “When are you having kids?” Seeing other children at family events can also be incredibly painful, as it reminds you of what you so desperately want. The holidays can feel like a mix of heartbreak and grief, with the added pressure to appear “okay” on the outside.

Grieving parents often find that grief hits even harder around the holidays. Traditions that were once special now remind them of loss. Seeing others carry on with their festivities can make you feel even more alone. On top of this, well-meaning but insensitive comments can add another layer of pain.

The common thread is significant pressure to feel joyful. Let’s dig into some strategies that you can use to help navigate the challenges of the holiday season, regardless of what stage of parenthood you are in.

Setting Boundaries with Compassion

Somewhere along the line, boundaries got a bad wrap and were labeled as “selfish.” The truth is that boundaries are meant to protect you, not hurt other people. When they are enforced kindly but firmly, you are saying “this isn’t good for me, so I am choosing a different way.”

The first step when it comes to setting boundaries is identifying your own needs. Take time to honestly assess what you are feeling and what options are available to you to protect yourself. For example, if attending a family gathering is giving you a lot of anxiety, perhaps you could stay for only an hour. You could also skip events that feel like too much right now. There are no wrong answers. It’s a highly individual decision.

When communicating, do so clearly and kindly. You don’t owe anyone an elaborate explanation. Gentle, but firm responses are generally most effective.

Here are some examples:

"Thank you for the invitation. We're keeping things low-key this year, but we send our love."
"We can join for dessert, but we need to head out before the baby's bedtime."
For intrusive questions: "I'd rather not discuss that right now."

Pre-planning your responses to expected questions can help reduce your anxiety and prevent you from feeling caught off guard.

It is 100% okay to say “no” to plans if you’re overwhelmed. Your guilt might tell you that you are letting others down, but the truth is that you can’t pour from an empty cup. This is a difficult situation and you are doing the best that you can.

Managing Expectations (Yours and Theirs)

Holiday traditions often come with a lot of expectations about how things “should” be done. When you’re having a challenging year, you have to let some of that weight go.

To promote realistic expectations, take a proactive approach to communicating with family about your capacity. A conversation beforehand can help prevent misunderstandings. You might say “This year might look different for us as we are adjusting to a new baby/navigating treatments/grieving. We’d love to participate by having a video call/bringing store-bought food/celebrating on a different day.”

Managing your own expectations might mean letting go of “perfect.” Instead of Pinterest-worthy holiday spreads, your holidays might look like takeout in pajamas, and that’s perfectly okay. Focus on what you value the most about the holidays, like family connection. It’s okay if traditions change, simplify, or pause.

Protecting Your Peace & Prioritizing Well-being

The holidays are a busy time, so don’t skip out on scheduling rest. Build breaks into your day and don’t be afraid to say no to extra commitments.

When you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, use grounding techniques like deep breathing or the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. In this technique, you identify five things you see, four things you hear, three things you feel, two things you smell, and one thing you taste. Even stepping outside for some fresh air can be grounding. These small moments can help reset your nervous system.

If you’re grieving, it might feel right to find meaningful ways to honor your baby. This could mean lighting a candle or making a donation to a cause close to your heart.

Finally, limit triggering content. Social media might be filled with picture-perfect photos, which can be painful to see. Give yourself permission to take a break to protect your emotional peace.

Honoring Your Journey This Holiday Season

Prioritizing your mental health is your right. If the stress feels unmanageable despite these strategies, working with a therapist who understands what you are going through can be a valuable resource. The Trauma-Informed Maternal Mental Health Directory offers a list of mental health providers who can support you on your journey.

The holidays might feel painful, complicated, or simply different during different chapters of your life. Remember that all of these feelings are valid, and there is no “right” way to feel this holiday season.

- - - - -

Guest Author: Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C

Dr. Emily Guarnotta is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified perinatal mental health provider. She owns Phoenix Health, a therapy practice that supports anyone experiencing infertility, pregnancy loss, and perinatal mental health concerns.

Website: https ://joinphoenixhealth.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_phoenix_health/
Directory Listing: https://directory.maternaltraumasupport.com/search/phoenix-health.html

About the Trauma-Informed Maternal Health Directory

Liz Gray, LCSW and Olivia Verhulst, LMHC, PMH-C— co-founders of the Trauma-Informed Maternal Health Directory— are clinical psychotherapists with a deep passion for increasing accessibility of trauma-informed care to the maternal health population.

They created this specialized directory to connect women & birthing people to trauma-informed health & mental health providers who specialize in infertility, pregnancy, postpartum, and new parenthood.

Website: https://www.maternaltraumasupport.com/
Search the directory: https://directory.maternaltraumasupport.com/

Interested in writing a guest blog post?

If you are a trauma-informed provider who works with the perinatal population, submit a blog proposal HERE!
- Please make sure the article is original content that aligns with our values of safety, inclusion, transparency, collaboration, empowerment, and support.