The Multilayered Experience of Pregnancy Loss: Moving Through the World After a Loss No One Sees
Written by Guest Blogger Britni Hulser, LCSW, PMH-C
⚠️ Content Warning: This article discusses pregnancy loss, miscarriage, grief, and the emotional, physical, and relational impacts of losing a pregnancy.
One in 4 pregnancies result in a loss, and yet, there is still significant stigma, shame, isolation, and lack of support. For many, pregnancy loss is a disenfranchised loss. Ken Doka, a grief researcher, defines disenfranchised loss as “grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned.” When grief is not acknowledged, it can increase feelings of shame, isolation, feeling silenced, and make it difficult for the mourner to reach out for help and support. This makes it more difficult to make sense of the grief and loss.
Pregnancy loss can have impacts that go beyond the physical and medical aspects. The impacts can be financial, relational, and emotional as well.
Physical and Medical Impact
There are several ways that pregnancy loss happens in the body. Despite what you may believe, pregnancy loss was not your fault. Some losses are caused by medical issues that require ongoing treatment and evaluation such as clotting disorders or uterine complications. Others result from an embryo that did not properly develop. It’s important to work closely with your provider on the care of your body during a miscarriage.
There are both surgical and non-surgical options for the care of a pregnancy loss. This can also impact how your body continues to process the loss and tissue from any embryo formed. This can feel overwhelming, scary, and confusing. There can be ongoing bleeding for several days to weeks after a loss, which can impact your emotional well being and serve as a constant reminder of your experience.
Financial Impact
Medical treatment is often necessary during a pregnancy loss. If you are underinsured or uninsured, this can pose another stressful component of what is already a stressful event. You may need an emergency room visit, frequent visits with your OB/GYN or midwife, surgery, or frequent blood tests to monitor the decrease in hCG levels (pregnancy hormone), to determine if there is any tissue remaining. The frequent visits can impact your ability to work and the cost of childcare for other children and finding reliable transportation can be a financial burden.
Relational Impact
If you are in a relationship, there may also be relational impacts from suffering a loss. Maybe you and your partner went through fertility treatments to conceive, or maybe you’ve been trying to conceive naturally for years and this was your miracle pregnancy. Whatever the case may be, your relationship may feel unsteady following a pregnancy loss. As the person carrying the pregnancy, your experience is going to differ from your partner who was not pregnant. It may be hard for you to understand each other at times, or know how to support one another, and communicate effectively. Openness, understanding, empathy, and learning to sit in the discomfort of these emotions is important to have ongoing support within the relationship. Individual therapy, couples therapy, and/or support groups for both partners can be crucial during this time. You don’t need to experience a loss at a certain point in the pregnancy, or experience recurrent losses to be worthy of support.
Emotional Impact
After a pregnancy loss, your hormones can take days to weeks to regulate as well. You are considered postpartum after a loss, and should be monitored closely for any changes in mood, just as you would after a live birth of a full term pregnancy. Studies have found that women experiencing a pregnancy loss are at greater risk of major depression in the first six months post-loss, compared to women who have not experienced a loss. Risk factors include previous history of depression and lack of social support. Women without children already are at a higher risk as well. The shame and guilt around a loss can feel complicated as women may blame themselves, recount their actions during their entire pregnancy, or wonder if they made a mistake as the loss is happening within their bodies.
Offering Support After a Pregnancy Loss
The following list might be helpful to share with your partner/ friends/ family who want to support you but are struggling to find the words to say:
“I’m so sorry you are going through this.”
“It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. There’s no right way to feel. You are having a big human experience.”
“Did you name your baby? Does the name have a meaning? When was the due date/birthdate?”
“Take your time to grieve. There is no timeline.”
“Any significant loss can cause grief.”
“You are so brave for sharing this. Thank you for trusting me.”
Acts of service may include offering to bring a meal, watch any older children that may be in the home, walk your dogs, or drop by a yummy drink or treat.
Here are also some things to avoid saying:
“At least you know you can get pregnant now.”
“It just wasn’t the right time for your family.”
“You have been so stressed. Adding a baby would have made things even harder.”
“Stay positive. Things will get better.”
“Try to think about something else.”
A Final Reminder
You are not alone. You are worthy of love, care and support, and are already a great mama to your angel baby.
Find Support:
References:
Guest Author: Britni Hulser, LCSW, PMH-C
Britni is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Certified Perinatal Mental Health Provider, and EMDR-trained. She works with women throughout the lifespan, with a focus on the perinatal period and parenting. She has worked for over 15 years in a variety of settings, including supporting families in the community, child welfare, hospital settings, and perinatal psychiatry.
About the Trauma-Informed Maternal Health Directory
Liz Gray, LCSW and Olivia Verhulst, LMHC, PMH-C— co-founders of the Trauma-Informed Maternal Health Directory— are clinical psychotherapists with a deep passion for increasing accessibility of trauma-informed care to the maternal health population.
They created this specialized directory to connect women & birthing people to trauma-informed health & mental health providers who specialize in infertility, pregnancy, postpartum, and new parenthood.
Search the directory: https://directory.maternaltraumasupport.com/
Interested in writing a guest blog post?
If you are a trauma-informed provider who works with the perinatal population, submit a blog proposal HERE!
Please make sure the article is original content that aligns with our values of safety, inclusion, transparency, collaboration, empowerment, and support.
Pregnancy loss is a deeply significant experience, yet many grieving parents face stigma, silence, and a lack of support. This article explores the physical, emotional, financial, and relational impacts of pregnancy loss, why grief after loss can feel isolating, and how friends, family, and partners can offer meaningful support. Whether a loss happens early or later in pregnancy, every loss matters and every grieving parent deserves compassion, understanding, and care.