Learning to Live While Waiting: Mental Health in the “In-Between”
Written by Guest Blogger Allison Minnich, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist
The waiting periods in fertility treatment can feel endless.
Waiting to see if your body responds to stims at all, then waiting to hear if the response is “good enough” to continue the cycle.
Waiting to see how many eggs are retrieved—then watching that number shrink as you get updates about how many mature, fertilize, and make it to the blastocyst stage.
Waiting for genetic testing results to learn how many embryos are euploid.
Waiting through the two-week window after transfer to find out whether it resulted in pregnancy.
For many people, this “in-between” time is one of the hardest parts of the fertility journey.
Everything feels uncertain.
Life continues on the outside, while internally it can feel like you’re suspended in a question with no clear answer. And that kind of waiting takes a real toll on mental health.
Why the “In-Between” Feels So Heavy
From a psychological standpoint, prolonged waiting is uniquely stressful. Research on uncertainty shows that the brain often experiences not knowing as more distressing than knowing a difficult outcome. When something deeply meaningful is at stake, uncertainty keeps the nervous system on high alert.
During fertility treatment, this often looks like:
Constant mental scanning for signs, symptoms, or reassurance
Difficulty concentrating or staying present
Feeling emotionally exhausted, numb, or irritable
A sense of being “on hold” while others move forward
Loneliness, even when surrounded by supportive people
The Emotional Cost of Living in Limbo
Many people describe the in-between as a kind of emotional limbo. You may hesitate to make plans, avoid imagining the future, or feel caught between hope and self-protection. There is often an unspoken pressure to “stay positive,” even while quietly bracing for disappointment.
Psychologically, this creates a bind:
Hope feels risky
Letting go feels impossible
Being present feels hard when your mind is always looking forward
Over time, this can shrink your world. Life becomes organized around appointments, cycles, and outcomes, while other parts of identity, joy, and connection slowly fade into the background.
Living While Waiting (Without Forcing Positivity)
Learning to live in the in-between does not mean giving up on what you want. It does not mean accepting an outcome you did not choose, or pretending the waiting does not hurt.
Instead, it means finding ways to stay emotionally connected to yourself and your life while uncertainty exists.
Here are a few gentle, realistic ways people begin to do that:
1. Shrink the Timeframe
When fertility treatment stretches on, the mind naturally jumps ahead: What if this never works? How long can I do this? What does my future look like now? These questions are understandable, but living in them all the time is exhausting.
Skill to try:
Instead of asking big, unanswerable questions, intentionally narrow your emotional window, ask yourself:
What do I need today to feel a little more supported?
What would make this week more manageable, not necessarily “better,” just manageable?
Focus on near-term anchors such as the next appointment, the next day off, or the next check-in with yourself. Gently bring your attention back when your mind jumps months or years ahead.
2. Notice When Waiting Turns Into Hypervigilance
Waiting often shifts into constant monitoring of your body, your thoughts, your mood, or signs that something might be “working.” While this can feel productive, it usually increases anxiety.
Skill to try:
Practice spotting the moment you have crossed from awareness into hypervigilance.
Common signs include:
Repeatedly checking symptoms or sensations
Mentally replaying appointments or conversations
Refreshing email or portals compulsively
When you notice it, try naming it softly:“This is my anxiety trying to protect me.”
You can regulate the nervous system without shaming yourself for being anxious. Try redirecting attention to something concrete:
Place your feet firmly on the floor
Name five things you can see
Focus on one sensory detail in your environment
3. Make Space for Grief Without Demanding Closure
The in-between is often filled with ambiguous grief, meaning loss without a clear ending or outcome. You may be mourning lost time, missed milestones, or the version of life you expected to be living by now.
Skill to try:
Allow grief to exist without asking it to resolve itself.
Give your grief language: Journaling, voice notes, or writing unsent letters
Set aside intentional space: For example, a weekly check-in with yourself or a walk where you allow emotions without fixing them
Remind yourself: I can grieve without knowing how this ends
4. Reclaim Pieces of Life That Are Still Yours
Fertility treatment can quietly take over everything. It can narrow your world until everything revolves around cycles, appointments, and outcomes.
Over time, this can lead to identity loss and emotional depletion.
Intentionally reconnecting with parts of life not defined by fertility, such as relationships, routines, creativity, movement, and rest, helps prevent your entire identity from collapsing into the waiting.
Skill to try:
Identify and intentionally protect parts of your life that exist outside of fertility.
Ask yourself:
What made me feel like myself before this process?
What still brings moments of ease or meaning, even briefly? Start small. One social connection not centered on fertility. One weekly activity that is not about productivity or progress
Treat these moments as non-negotiable emotional nourishment, not distractions.
5. Get Support That Can Hold Uncertainty
Friends and family often want to fix, reassure, or stay hopeful. While well-intentioned, that can feel invalidating when you are living inside unanswered questions.
Skill to try:
Be intentional about the kind of support you seek.
Before opening up, ask yourself: Do I want comfort, distraction, or problem-solving right now?
Practice clear requests: “I don’t need help problem-solving right now, but a listening ear would be really helpful.”
Professional Support: Consider seeking professional support from a therapist with specialized training in fertility-related mental health (e.g., a PMH-C certified therapist, a therapist on theTrauma-Informed Maternal Health Directory, or providers involved with RESOLVE or ASRM).
Support is not about making the waiting easier. It is about not being alone in it.
A Final Reframe
These skills won’t take away the waiting, but they can help you stay grounded and connected to yourself while you move through it.
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Guest Author: Allison Minnich, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Minnich is a clinical psychologist and founder of The Chicago Center for Behavioral Health, with a focus on maternal mental health and fertility-related distress. Her perspective is shaped by professional training and her own lived experience with infertility.
Website: chicagocbh.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/therapyinchicago
About the Trauma-Informed Maternal Health Directory
Liz Gray, LCSW and Olivia Verhulst, LMHC, PMH-C— co-founders of the Trauma-Informed Maternal Health Directory— are clinical psychotherapists with a deep passion for increasing accessibility of trauma-informed care to the maternal health population.
They created this specialized directory to connect women & birthing people to trauma-informed health & mental health providers who specialize in infertility, pregnancy, postpartum, and new parenthood.
Search the directory: https://directory.maternaltraumasupport.com/
Interested in writing a guest blog post?
If you are a trauma-informed provider who works with the perinatal population, submit a blog proposal HERE!
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